fallen.

I’ve slipped beneath the cracks.
I’ve tried, so hard, to be some kind of superhero; to do it all.
I work 6 plus hours a day at my job. But it’s never just six hours. There’s the planning. And the fact that I bring it all home with me. It’s impossible not to. Being around kids everyday, you see how others treat their children. And, here, my hands are tied. I’m told I can’t do much about it. So instead, I bring it home. And dwell on it. Cry tears every night because so many children in this world truly don’t feel loved. How horrible is that?
And then, I go to school. And holy cow, I thought I was taking it all easy this semester. I’m slacking. I’ve missed so many classes [all for valid reasons, but still..] and I’m just exhausted.
It doesn’t end there though. Because, I’m a mommy. It’s a 24/7 job, especially with this wild kiddo. But, I love it. I really do. I wouldn’t trade being her mommy for anything.
It’s not just her though. It’s her father. The ten million phone calls. The never ending blame game he plays. The names he calls me. The things he accuses me of. The way he makes me feel.
And the fact that M works thirds, so we’re lucky if we get five minutes before one of us has somewhere to be.
I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally.
It’s constant ups and downs. One second I’m as happy as can be. The next I feel lower than ever.
It’s scary. I don’t like it.
I don’t know how to pull myself up from the cracks.