good things are coming to you, in due time.

The title this week is courtesy of my perfectly timed chinese fortune cookie. :)


This week has been one for the books. Crazy hectic and filled to the brim.
I did two workouts every day (with the exception of today) like I had wanted to. I decided after writing my last mamavation post, to journal my workouts each week, with what I did and how much time was spent doing it. (I should have done the same with my food intake, but didnt think about it until yesterday. Little late, yes.)

Soooo
Monday AM- 30 Day Shred PM- elliptical for 15 minutes. Just Dance 2 for 20 minutes.
Tuesday AM- 30 Day Shred PM- elliptical for 17 minutes. Just Dance 2 for 20 minutes.
Wednesday AM- 30 Day Shred PM- Just Dance 2 for 20 minutes. Wii Fit for 20 minutes.
Thursday AM- 35 minutes of running/jogging (with the dog, so not as consistent as I would have liked.) PM- 30 Day Shred.
Friday AM- 100 Workout (thank you, Rachel!) PM- 1.5 mile walk/run with M!
Saturday AM- elliptical for 20 minutes. PM- 100 Workout

I am most excited about the fact that M is doing this next to me. He by no means needs to lose weight (heck, I'd argue the man could stand to gain some, jeez.) But, he's just as pumped about being active.

Annnddd, more exciting news from the land of Amanda.
I dance. Maybe I told you, maybe I didn't. I really don't remember (forgive me, I have mommy brain. I forget a lot, haha.) But I dance.
I've drastically cut down my dancing, because, well, life got in the way.
But here I am, dancing again. And it does an amazing thing to my self image. I feel so much better about myself when the music's on and I'm dancing. I can't really explain it. But this is a huge deal to me.

Foodwise, things are going alright. I'm slowly trying to eliminate the pop, and the easiest way for me to do so has been to make a smoothie instead of reaching for a pop. It's tough, mostly all in my head, but I'm getting there. One day at a time, I tell myself.

Things are going good, I think. It's been an up and up week!
My goals for this next week are to just keep going. No more weighing myself, all I'm focused on is feeling good.

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down.

Usually, I write something on paper before posting it. It's easier and allows me to gather my thoughts before allowing the whole world to read them.
Today, though, there's no pre written post.
This has a very tough couple of weeks for me. I try to stay positive; it's just how I am. It's as though there's some unwritten rule stating I have to be upbeat and focus on the good. Today though, it's not possible.
I look at all the good in my life. I have a beautiful, smart, funny little girl, who truly loves me. Who tells me a million times a day that I am the best mommy ever. There's M, who is amazing in every way possible. He's my rock, my shoulder, my best friend. I have a wonderful job, with wonderful people. I have an awesome family, and lifeline of friends who truly care.
That should be more than enough, right?
Today, it doesn't feel like it.

I feel..almost empty. Like some chunk of happiness is missing.
A month or so ago, during an argument with the ex, he said something that stung. I know he said it out of spite, to hurt me. And I know that what he says should not matter at all. So I pretended it didn't hurt me, just smiled, said "same to you." But it freakin' kills.

Ahhh.
Workouts this last week have slacked a little. I'll blame that on the stress in my life.
I've been doing better on the food side of things though. I recently started a little recipe book of new/different food dishes and have been trying those. I've taken suggestions from you ladies, and have started doing more crockpot meals. I froze up some small portions of homemade lasagna too [which apparently won huge brownie points from M, ha.]

I just want to try to focus on the good. On not letting things stress me out as easily as they do. But most importantly, I want to be able to stop holding it all in. It's not healthy, for me or the people in my life.

Here's to trying.

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two steps

Working with snotty nosed kids on a daily basis usually leads to me spending most of the winter months with a cold, or worse. A couple weeks ago, I battled a sore throat. This week, it’s a horrible cold (read, never ending runny nose) and an ear infection. My mom told me once that as a child, I rarely had ear infections. She must have jinxed me, because as an “adult” I’ve had a ton.

My biggest whoohoo for the last couple weeks has been that I am down a total of ten pounds since the beginning of this year. Another huge thing for me is, despite feeling like absolute crap half this week, I pushed myself to work out every day. In fact, four of the seven days, I did multiple work outs.
I don’t feel as great about myself as I would like to, but I feel good.

My goals for this next week are just to do as much, if not more, than last week. I’d like to do two work outs every day, but I know that my Tuesday/Thursday schedule most likely won’t allow for it. The walking I do on campus kinda makes up for not having a second workout though, I guess?
Also, I want to work on eating better. I’ve been doing a much better job on eating breakfast every morning (Lena & the #breakfastclub have definitely helped with that!) Now, just to make sure that healthiness continues on throughout the rest of the day. It’s insanely hard though, when I’m not getting home until nearly 8. By the time we’re home, Hailey’s ready for bed, then I’m gathering things for the next day and finishing homework. Dinner’s a last thought and it’s hard to find something healthy when all I want to do is lay on the couch and crash. Suggestions? Yes, please!


One step at a time, and we’re one step closer.

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fallen.

I’ve slipped beneath the cracks.
I’ve tried, so hard, to be some kind of superhero; to do it all.
I work 6 plus hours a day at my job. But it’s never just six hours. There’s the planning. And the fact that I bring it all home with me. It’s impossible not to. Being around kids everyday, you see how others treat their children. And, here, my hands are tied. I’m told I can’t do much about it. So instead, I bring it home. And dwell on it. Cry tears every night because so many children in this world truly don’t feel loved. How horrible is that?
And then, I go to school. And holy cow, I thought I was taking it all easy this semester. I’m slacking. I’ve missed so many classes [all for valid reasons, but still..] and I’m just exhausted.
It doesn’t end there though. Because, I’m a mommy. It’s a 24/7 job, especially with this wild kiddo. But, I love it. I really do. I wouldn’t trade being her mommy for anything.
It’s not just her though. It’s her father. The ten million phone calls. The never ending blame game he plays. The names he calls me. The things he accuses me of. The way he makes me feel.
And the fact that M works thirds, so we’re lucky if we get five minutes before one of us has somewhere to be.
I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally.
It’s constant ups and downs. One second I’m as happy as can be. The next I feel lower than ever.
It’s scary. I don’t like it.
I don’t know how to pull myself up from the cracks.

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