struggle.

I feel as though, lately, I'm at a standstill.
I'm just passing through, the day to day. There's so much I say I want to do, but most of it just gets pushed to the back burner.
There really aren't enough hours in the day.

Being a full time student while being a mommy is hard enough. Throw in a 30 hours a week job and it's almost too much.

My days are full of busyness. If I'm not playing referee to the two year old who thinks she's the boss, I'm attempting to get ready for work, or class, or doing whatever homework I have.
I'm currently weeks behind in my math class. I have a history exam this week, and honestly, I can't even begin to tell you what it's even over.
I need to go through the monkey's closet, and toybox, as the majority of the stuff in both is no longer of use.

And, now, we're approaching warm weather. So, instead of the tv entertaining the jumping bean for an hour while I unwind and work on various projects, she's pulling on my arm, begging to go outside. So, I put the homework off, and outside we go.
I'm not complaining, honestly. I love that little girl. I'd do whatever possible to bring a smile to her face.

There are just moments where I need to stop, breathe, and get even twenty minutes to myself to catch up.

You would think every other weekend would get me caught up. But, it doesn't.

Most days, I have not even the slightest clue what I'm doing. I'm not the greatest student; I'm struggling, I'll admit it.
I'm not even the greatest mom. I pretty much suck at that as well.
And, I'm pretty sure I'm barely getting by at work, too.

I'm trying. That counts for something, right?

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twelve oh two.

Because I don't know how to say what I really want to say..

I'm twenty three, but have a mindset totally unlike most my age.
I love summer, mostly because winter's cold weather and I just don't get along.
My two year old, Hailey Michelle, is my everything.
I like all things star shaped and polka dotted.
Along with summer, I enjoy the beach, swimming, camping, and late night walks as the sun sets.
The zoo is my favorite place to be. My bed is a close second.
I hate wearing socks and would rather live in flipflop friendly weather.
I have zero artistic abilities, but try for the sake of my craft time loving daughter.
I love to read, dance, and write, but have not enough time do much of any.
I am right handed. My daughter is not.
I love pizza, especially if it's topped with pepperoni and almost a day old.
Sunkist is my beverage of choice, although lately, I have had an affair with apple juice. Yum.
I'm a simple kinda girl. A night in, cuddling under a blanket as we watch a movie is my favorite kind of date. Along with that, an ice cream run, bowling, ice skating, or anything else that involves hand holding, smiles, forehead kisses, and lots of fun memories is good in my book.
I have an insane fear of balloons [it's not funny-don't laugh], the dark, and never finding love.
My phone's on me almost all the time. I text, constantly.
I don't wear makeup, ever. And, I hate being the center of attention. I'd much rather blend in.
I love music and can almost always find a song that says just how I am feeling. Country is my favorite, although I'll listen to just about any type.
Most females like shoes and have a billion pairs. For me, it's purses. I'm constantly changing purses. I am not, however, into the fancy expensive ones. My seven dollar bag from Target suits me just fine, thankyouverymuch.

I think Marilyn Monroe is a genius, even if only for this quote "I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."

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little things make a big difference.

Somewhere along the way, we forget to appreciate the little things. We forget to stop and smell the roses, as the saying goes. (For the record, when I say "we" really, I'm just talking about myself...)
We don't look at the little, day to day things that should bring us a smile, or better yet, happiness. We don't acknowledge others like we should. Mostly, we just exist; each day passes by and really, that's it.
There are so many amazing things happening everyday and we take it all for granted. We sit idle, and let them go by.
The world's a beautiful masterpiece, if we just open our eyes and take a peek:
The way sunshine hits my face. Or, the way concrete feels beneath my bare feet on a summer day. The way the air smells on a beautiful fall afternoon. The way Hailey whispers "I love you, mommy," in such a pronounced way.
Strawberry milkshakes. Wrapping paper, stars, and polka dots. Good morning text messages just when I need them most. Finding something I absolutely love in Target's Dollar section. Toothy baby grins.
When a coworker, friend, or even stranger smiles and waves, just when I need it most. When my favorite song comes on the radio. Forehead kisses, cuddling long after the sun has set. The beach. A second glance and a smile. Random emails just to say hi.
Writing. Dancing. Music, in general. Babies. Potty training (on the good days, of course!) Art, in its own beauty.
Love.
It really is in the little things.

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change.

I want to change the world. I want to make a difference.
I know it takes one step at a time. And that, sometimes, those steps are very, very small and barely noticeable. But, that's not the point.
The point is...

one day at a time. one step at a time.
everyday, every minute, somebody out there, is doing something good. Something amazing. Something so absolutely inspiring.

And, I want to be one of those people.

Sometimes, it's more than the simple action. It's the story behind such actions. Heart-felt, life changing, mind altering stories.

the stories leave me breathless.

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love.

I'm pretty sure I say this a lot, but I really feel like I'm finding myself.
My life has been full of hard times and such, most of which stem from bad decisions I've made for myself.
I wear my heart on my sleeve; I fall easily, and usually a little harder than I should. I see the good in everybody, and sometimes take it to the next level sooner than I really should. I think, really, I've never experienced that true love feeling that all the fairy tales talk about. I'd love to, no kidding you there. The see him across the room scene that all the love stories have; the ones where you just know. No questions. Just two people, falling in love.

I want that. Really, who wouldn't want that?
Fairy tales make it sound so easy. The prince just has to rescue the princess and bam! cue the happily ever after ending. It's nothing like that here in the real world. My prince charming's recusing involves a little more than battling some wicked step mother, evil queen, or crazy wannabe octopus. It's a lot more time consuming than a two hour disney movie, really.
And, so, I slow down. And give up a little.
I settle for less than I should.
And then, I end up right were I started.

So, this time? There is no settling.
Instead, this is a search for my happily ever after.

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little & simple

There's some beauty in the simplicity that comes alongside having a two year old. You learn, with kids, that it is usually the little things that mean the most.

Barney & Friends is on tv; one of Barney's friends makes a joke. For a good thirty minutes after the joke is said, it's the funniest thing ever.

She's looking for her yellow blanket. Mommy's a hero when she finds it [right where it was, and has been for the last day or two] and gets a million "oh, thank you mommy! I love you!" kisses.

We're sitting at the table, getting lunch ready and I tell her which sandwich is my favorite. She grins her little grin and says "that's mine too!" as though sharing a favorite with mommy is the best thing to ever happen.

Something as simple as finding two matching cards during a round of the matching game makes her day.

It's amazing.
& honestly, I wouldn't change any piece of it, for anything.

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change.

Unlike much of the general population, I keep to myself. I'm not at all the talkative type, instead, I'm quiet.
I think, a lot, but usually keep my thoughts to myself. It's how I've grown to be.

A lot of it stems from the fact that I've had some relationships that resulted in me getting things I said, in confidence, thrown back in my face.
Even more of it stems in the fact that I'm just quiet. It's how I am.

Changing how a person has been, especially for such a long time, is so much easier said than done. It's a challenging process, especially when you aren't even sure where, or how, to start. And that, right there, is my problem.

I want to change, but in this case, wanting just isn't enough. Trying doesn't seem to be either, as that's left me right where I started.

Here's to hoping 2010 brings me that change, huh?

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