progress makes perfection?

The scale and I have not been reacquainted in weeks, and I'm okay with that. For so long, I got hung up on the numbers. Not seeing changes, or seeing changes one week, then working twice as hard and not seeing more...it's tough. It plays tricks on your (my) mind. So I walked away. That's one friendship I'm so willing to break.

I've stuck to my two a day workout plan. It's tough, most of the time. Especially this last week. Three of my five work days, I worked 11.5 hours each day. I feel good about myself after the workouts though, knowing that I've stuck with something I've said I was gonna do. It's an amazing feeling-that kind of accomplishment.

I've also been sticking to the healthier foods. We went shopping earlier this week and I loaded the cart with healthy(-ier) foods. So, whenever we want a snack, we grab carrots, yogurt, or make a smoothie. It's quick, easy, and good.

I want to push myself a little harder this week. To step up and do more. I do the two workouts, but I find myself being lazy between. A lot of this has to do with the weather I think- it's not as easy to jump up and move around when it's cold, wet, rainy, and just gross in general outside. Hopefully the soon to be warmness changes that.

Progress, progress, progress.

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good things are coming to you, in due time.

The title this week is courtesy of my perfectly timed chinese fortune cookie. :)


This week has been one for the books. Crazy hectic and filled to the brim.
I did two workouts every day (with the exception of today) like I had wanted to. I decided after writing my last mamavation post, to journal my workouts each week, with what I did and how much time was spent doing it. (I should have done the same with my food intake, but didnt think about it until yesterday. Little late, yes.)

Soooo
Monday AM- 30 Day Shred PM- elliptical for 15 minutes. Just Dance 2 for 20 minutes.
Tuesday AM- 30 Day Shred PM- elliptical for 17 minutes. Just Dance 2 for 20 minutes.
Wednesday AM- 30 Day Shred PM- Just Dance 2 for 20 minutes. Wii Fit for 20 minutes.
Thursday AM- 35 minutes of running/jogging (with the dog, so not as consistent as I would have liked.) PM- 30 Day Shred.
Friday AM- 100 Workout (thank you, Rachel!) PM- 1.5 mile walk/run with M!
Saturday AM- elliptical for 20 minutes. PM- 100 Workout

I am most excited about the fact that M is doing this next to me. He by no means needs to lose weight (heck, I'd argue the man could stand to gain some, jeez.) But, he's just as pumped about being active.

Annnddd, more exciting news from the land of Amanda.
I dance. Maybe I told you, maybe I didn't. I really don't remember (forgive me, I have mommy brain. I forget a lot, haha.) But I dance.
I've drastically cut down my dancing, because, well, life got in the way.
But here I am, dancing again. And it does an amazing thing to my self image. I feel so much better about myself when the music's on and I'm dancing. I can't really explain it. But this is a huge deal to me.

Foodwise, things are going alright. I'm slowly trying to eliminate the pop, and the easiest way for me to do so has been to make a smoothie instead of reaching for a pop. It's tough, mostly all in my head, but I'm getting there. One day at a time, I tell myself.

Things are going good, I think. It's been an up and up week!
My goals for this next week are to just keep going. No more weighing myself, all I'm focused on is feeling good.

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down.

Usually, I write something on paper before posting it. It's easier and allows me to gather my thoughts before allowing the whole world to read them.
Today, though, there's no pre written post.
This has a very tough couple of weeks for me. I try to stay positive; it's just how I am. It's as though there's some unwritten rule stating I have to be upbeat and focus on the good. Today though, it's not possible.
I look at all the good in my life. I have a beautiful, smart, funny little girl, who truly loves me. Who tells me a million times a day that I am the best mommy ever. There's M, who is amazing in every way possible. He's my rock, my shoulder, my best friend. I have a wonderful job, with wonderful people. I have an awesome family, and lifeline of friends who truly care.
That should be more than enough, right?
Today, it doesn't feel like it.

I feel..almost empty. Like some chunk of happiness is missing.
A month or so ago, during an argument with the ex, he said something that stung. I know he said it out of spite, to hurt me. And I know that what he says should not matter at all. So I pretended it didn't hurt me, just smiled, said "same to you." But it freakin' kills.

Ahhh.
Workouts this last week have slacked a little. I'll blame that on the stress in my life.
I've been doing better on the food side of things though. I recently started a little recipe book of new/different food dishes and have been trying those. I've taken suggestions from you ladies, and have started doing more crockpot meals. I froze up some small portions of homemade lasagna too [which apparently won huge brownie points from M, ha.]

I just want to try to focus on the good. On not letting things stress me out as easily as they do. But most importantly, I want to be able to stop holding it all in. It's not healthy, for me or the people in my life.

Here's to trying.

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two steps

Working with snotty nosed kids on a daily basis usually leads to me spending most of the winter months with a cold, or worse. A couple weeks ago, I battled a sore throat. This week, it’s a horrible cold (read, never ending runny nose) and an ear infection. My mom told me once that as a child, I rarely had ear infections. She must have jinxed me, because as an “adult” I’ve had a ton.

My biggest whoohoo for the last couple weeks has been that I am down a total of ten pounds since the beginning of this year. Another huge thing for me is, despite feeling like absolute crap half this week, I pushed myself to work out every day. In fact, four of the seven days, I did multiple work outs.
I don’t feel as great about myself as I would like to, but I feel good.

My goals for this next week are just to do as much, if not more, than last week. I’d like to do two work outs every day, but I know that my Tuesday/Thursday schedule most likely won’t allow for it. The walking I do on campus kinda makes up for not having a second workout though, I guess?
Also, I want to work on eating better. I’ve been doing a much better job on eating breakfast every morning (Lena & the #breakfastclub have definitely helped with that!) Now, just to make sure that healthiness continues on throughout the rest of the day. It’s insanely hard though, when I’m not getting home until nearly 8. By the time we’re home, Hailey’s ready for bed, then I’m gathering things for the next day and finishing homework. Dinner’s a last thought and it’s hard to find something healthy when all I want to do is lay on the couch and crash. Suggestions? Yes, please!


One step at a time, and we’re one step closer.

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fallen.

I’ve slipped beneath the cracks.
I’ve tried, so hard, to be some kind of superhero; to do it all.
I work 6 plus hours a day at my job. But it’s never just six hours. There’s the planning. And the fact that I bring it all home with me. It’s impossible not to. Being around kids everyday, you see how others treat their children. And, here, my hands are tied. I’m told I can’t do much about it. So instead, I bring it home. And dwell on it. Cry tears every night because so many children in this world truly don’t feel loved. How horrible is that?
And then, I go to school. And holy cow, I thought I was taking it all easy this semester. I’m slacking. I’ve missed so many classes [all for valid reasons, but still..] and I’m just exhausted.
It doesn’t end there though. Because, I’m a mommy. It’s a 24/7 job, especially with this wild kiddo. But, I love it. I really do. I wouldn’t trade being her mommy for anything.
It’s not just her though. It’s her father. The ten million phone calls. The never ending blame game he plays. The names he calls me. The things he accuses me of. The way he makes me feel.
And the fact that M works thirds, so we’re lucky if we get five minutes before one of us has somewhere to be.
I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally.
It’s constant ups and downs. One second I’m as happy as can be. The next I feel lower than ever.
It’s scary. I don’t like it.
I don’t know how to pull myself up from the cracks.

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up, up, and away.

Somehow, Mondays always seem to arrive a little too quickly for me. I mean, wasn't it just Monday, like...yesterday?
Weekends fly by, that's my problem. Lately, the only time I get to see M is on the weekends, because of our crazy hectic schedules. So of course, the two days I get to spend with him zoom by like no other.

But, enough about my problems. How about those accomplishments?
If nothing else, I have accomplished a full week[day]'s worth of the 30 Day Shred. It was tough, and even after the short time, I wanted to give up. But, I haven't. And, although I was totally feeling the burn [especially with the pushups-- I've battled wrist problems for the last several months] it has been so worth it.
Going into this [30 day shred] I decided not to push myself to do 30 days consecutively; I knew weekends would be beyond crazy for me, so I settled on just weekdays and forcing myself to do 30 days of it that way.
Not to say my weekends aren't active; I'm always on the go.

I haven't weighed myself all week. I don't want to get tied down with numbers, if that makes any sense. I want to feel better about myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not just "be okay" with how I look, but to feel truly good.
And, really, I'm getting myself to that point. Of course, it always helps hearing it from others- and I'm lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life who make how they feel about me known.
And that brings me to my biggest accomplishment; I feel good.
For the first time [other than when learning about the pregnancy] in a long time, I truly feel good about myself, and my life. It is such an amazing feeling to experience; I'm loving every second of it, my friends.

My goal for this week is to try and make time for two separate workouts of sorts; perhaps the shred in the morning and another type of workout in the evening.

Ready. Set. And go!

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I was thinking.

M,


It was one of those days, no different than any other- we sat in the barely lit room, watching another movie, which one I really don’t remember.
You looked at me, much like you always do and I tried not to smile, which of course never works.
So, I did. Then, of course you did.
I asked what you were thinking and of course your response was ‘nothing.’ I said I wasn’t thinking anything either.
But really, I was.

I was thinking I like you.
My absolute favorite part of the day is the end, when your arms are wrapped around me. It’s in that moment that everything’s perfect. I forget about everything else and time almost stops.
I was thinking I can see myself with you.
That I want to be with you. You make me smile for absolutely no reason. You make me want to be better, to try harder.
I was thinking it’s scary;
to let go and just trust that it’ll all end good, how I want it to. That the idea of a house in the country with horses is amazing, especially if it’s all with you.

So, yes, I was lying when I said nothing.
Only because really, I was thinking I love you.

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